Thursday, November 02, 2006


There are days when I hold someone's beautiful infant, and I have to hand her over to someone else, because I feel the tears coming, and I don't want anyone to see. The baby I lost would be 9 months old now. There are days when I catch myself standing in the children's section at Ikea, staring at the tiny chairs and tiny tables. I start a tiny children's library on the bottom of my bookshelf--Goodnight Moon, Beatrix Potter, The Pokey Little Puppy. I order information on adoption, and when it comes, I lay on our bed with tears streaming down my face, totally overwhelmed.

Then there are Saturdays when I sleep in with my husband; we throw on old clothes and slowly make our way to brunch. We sit at a table in the sun, sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. There are long evenings when we eat supper on the couch, then lay there and read or watch T.V. We talk about the book I'm reading. I give him drawing lessons there on the couch. We talk about work. I make us some hot tea. There are days when I work on artwork, visit the little girl I mentor, and come back home to exercise and do laundry in content silence. Days of long lunches with friends. Of art classes taught to interesting little people.

Hugs, SweetPea! I am always concerned about how to handle this. What do you think?
I'm there with you, friend...Back and forth...back and forth. It seems we (husband and I) are supposed to be without children for this season in our lives and some days that's ok with me and some days I want a to be a mother so badly it hurts all over...

(P.s sorry i haven't called back. it has been a crazy week. i am home now. will call soon. love you.)
Linds--I think as long as you're not shoving your baby in my face and taunting my uterus, you're okay. ;)

Oftentimes I don't connect friend's babies directly to me. Just every once in awhile. I appreciate your sensitivity.

WG--yes, back and forth. I guess that's to you soon.
Sweetpea, i long for you to have a little one. There need to be more little artists in this world who love deeply and appreciate beauty.

thank you for your openness.
oh sweetpea. i am crying for you and the waiting.
i have had four babies i never met: and the five i have..
i cried long hours for the ones i haven't..
and i know your emptiness.

huge love and wishes to you.
love you, love you...there were days i couldn't even bring myself to hold a to you friend
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